On a sunny day in California in the spring of 2015, my nephew Isaiah and I sat talking.
“My therapist said faith can correct things that are naturally curved,” he leans in to tell me.
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We laughed. Although conversion therapy is not funny, we do the best we can under desperate circumstances. As a trauma therapist, I found the treatment he received in the therapy room extremely disturbing.
This week, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down a Colorado law banning conversion therapy. The justices ruled 8-1 that the bans violated the First Amendment. Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson dissented, reading, “It has the potential to undermine states’ ability to regulate any aspect of health care delivery.” Treatment can cause medical harm — First Amendment rights are not the issue here.
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Conversion therapy attempts to change a client’s sexual orientation, gender identity, or gender expression. It attempts to make LGBTQ+ individuals straight or cisgender. This is a form of fraud that doesn’t work and can cause profound and even fatal harm.
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As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I have witnessed firsthand the serious harm caused by this type of therapy, including Clients experiencing trauma, shame, depression, and suicidality as a result. I had advised my nephew not to do this, explaining that this so-called “cure” for homosexuality was considered abusive and unacceptable in the professional world because it threatened the lives of countless LGBTQ+ young people.
major medical institutions, includingAmerican Psychological Associationclaiming that “****** direction change efforts” are harmful. This practice is rejected by major medical and mental health organizations because it has been shown to cause measurable psychological damage.
Experts agree that this approach is extremely dangerous and Abandoned by the American Medical Association in 1994. A 2020 report from the Williams Institute found that “LGB people who have received conversion therapy [are] Already, alarming rates of suicide attempts (12%) or suicidal ideation (39%) have been reported by LGBTQ+ teens.
It turns out my fears were well founded. The treatment left Isaiah scarred, and when he came to me recently to share what he was going through, he told me, “It was horrible. They didn’t allow parents. I had to go in alone and sit in front of someone I didn’t know.” He added, “His questions were a barrage of judgment. I don’t remember all the details.”
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I wasn’t surprised when he apologized for not remembering. Isolation and dissociation are common side effects of conversion therapy. When a child goes through a painful experience, the brain and nervous system react by detaching from themselves. The body’s fight-or-flight system creates a numbing distance from thoughts and feelings as a way to escape pain.
Although he experienced memory gaps, Isaiah did recall important sobering facts. He remembers the therapist sitting across from him asking, “Do you have sexual thoughts about men?” Isaiah was confused as to how to respond. Should he tell the truth or lie? When he tells the truth, his “homework” is punitive and the shame is intense. When he started lying, the stress was reduced and the homework was lighter. He quickly learned to lie.
“The therapist was trying to ‘fix me’ and make me ‘normal,'” Isaiah explained. “For example, he said I ‘sit too effeminately’ – not ‘manly’ enough.” This caused him core trauma. Being told that your sitting posture is defective may sound trivial to some, but it can have profound implications. It tells him that his most natural, unguarded self is somehow intrinsically wrong—not in what he does, but in the way he is in his moments of rest. This is an infringement of vulnerable customers. It goes against everything therapy is trying to do.
As therapists, our training requires us to do no harm, and most therapists believe that conversion therapy is psychologically and emotionally destructive. thisBase The core idea of conversion therapy is that homosexuality is a sin and it is the therapist’s job to change the child’s mind so that they become “normal.” This is akin to telling a person that they are fundamentally broken and need to be fixed, or that they have a disease when no disease actually exists.
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Like many children forced into this “treatment,” Isaiah internalized the failure when the intervention didn’t work.
“It made me feel bad about myself,” he explains, admitting that the shame ruined his ability to have healthy relationships. Trust becomes a big issue. “That’s always going to be something I’m working on.”
“It affected my identity,” he added. “I wanted to come out sooner, but I was scared. It stifled my growth. Their biggest tool was shame. I was ashamed of who I was.”
The choice to have Isaiah undergo conversion therapy came at a high cost. If caught A sound rose in his throat as he told me suicide was a real consideration at the time.Dark thoughts creep in in the quiet moments.
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From the beginning, things were not going well for Isaiah. He already felt isolated and alone in the small Christian community he called home. Isaiah eventually fell into a deep depression as he repressed his sexuality and hid his young life. He experienced overwhelming feelings of worthlessness, guilt, and sadness at an age that is already difficult for almost every young person.
“Conversion therapy tried to change me,” Isaiah told me. In fact, my sweet, happy, talented nephew did change, but not in the way his church wanted. Instead of becoming “straight,” he learned to lie and keep secrets. He realized that the only way to get out of treatment was to say, “I’m healed. I don’t have those thoughts anymore.” That was how he got out of it. He retreated deeper, pretending to be what they wanted him to be, until he came out years later.
The next year, Isaiah joined the drama club and began acting, starring in all the plays his acting troupe put on throughout high school. He then entered a prestigious drama school.
“College was a transformative moment for me,” he reveals. “I saw gay people living openly and I think that hit my brain and changed everything. That’s what it felt like to be free of the shame that was holding me back.”
He found the courage to come out at age 19 thanks to the acceptance of the LGBTQ+ community, but the psychological damage he suffered did not go away.
“To be honest, I don’t think I’ll ever forget it,” he said. “You know, I’m always trying to get better — deconstruct all that stuff.”
Despite the scars, Isaiah now lives in New York City, where he runs a high-end interior architecture gallery and is enjoying “his best gay life.”
“People need to know that conversion therapy doesn’t help anyone,” he explains. “They need to be educated on how terrible this is.”
This ban is extremely important because it protects vulnerable people from coercion disguised as treatment. Now, with the Supreme Court’s ruling, countless young LGBTQ+ children may be at risk, with some choosing to take their own lives after undergoing the ordeal of conversion therapy. These judges will have their blood on their hands.
Looking back now, I realize that my nephew was lucky to have survived such a traumatic experience. As a therapist and mother in his life, I am grateful that he is still with us. When I asked Isaiah what he wanted people to know about conversion therapy, he said, “It’s the most destructive thing you can do to a young person. You’re abusing them. It’s spiritual abuse.”
If you are experiencing a crisis, here are some resources that can help:
The Trevor Projectis the leading suicide prevention and crisis intervention nonprofit for LGBTQ+ young people, providing information and support 24/7, 365 days a year.
988 lifeline: Get 24/7, free and confidential support in a crisis by calling, texting or chatting with the 988 Lifeline.
911: If a teen is in immediate danger, call 911 and tell the operator this is a mental health emergency. You can requestCrisis Intervention Training (CIT) Officer in your state.
Melissa Garner Lee is a novelist and marriage and family therapist whose writing and clinical work explore trauma therapy. Her debut novel, The Gleaners, examines women’s rights through the lens of 1960s California. Her therapeutic practice focuses on women’s trauma recovery, while her writing examines contemporary issues through the lens of mindfulness and resilience.
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